One Man’s Love

I write, not as a man, rather as one living in a delusion, caught in the painful grip between life and love; one besieged on all sides by fate, longing, sorrow and hope.  It is a woman I speak of, one unlike any other…the same story told throughout time. And just like Romeo did after staring at Juliet, I find myself asking….have I ever loved before?  Have I ever breathed so deeply or dared climb such mountain tops so as to witness the fullness and splendor of the world, where one wrong step, one single slip would break one’s heart, dashing it upon the earth below.

Like Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel, man and God ever reaching for one touch, one longful gaze between Adam and his maker, simply to feel such love, such bliss, if even only for a moment.

My dear reader, I have been Adam’s finger and I speak now of that moment, when dream’s dreams have come to pass and the sweet nectar of the gods has coursed through my veins.  I now do my feeble best to put pen to paper, to speak that which cannot be spoken, to describe that which is without description.

Oh, how my soul longs, and my innards yearn for death…. for life….for love. One glance. One precious touch. Have I ever been alive before today? I think not. For to live is to be, and to be is to feel and in that feeling to know that which cannot be known.

My words surely make no sense to you my reader; but they are not written for you or me or her; rather, they are written so that the world may know that love is real. That the unspoken thoughts and feelings kept pent up within the bosom of man for fear they may be broken, for fear they may not be real. Well my love, my reader, they are real and there is nothing to fear.  But do not be in haste to quicken your spirit, to reach down and unlock your mightiest vaults. For love takes time. And just as the chef creating the finest dish requires certain ingredients, so too does love.

It will never be easy. The world will rally against it. But it is there, it is true, and if you fight for it, it can be yours. So, now I seek love or death, this tepid world in between cannot be.

You will know her when she comes. She will be as a best friend arriving for the first time. You will know her, and yet you won’t. Your soul will pull you to her. Your mind will rejoice at finding an equal. Your heart will throb and will feel things you’ve never felt before. You will be confused, nervous, excited, uncertain, and possibly scared all at the same time. You will feel alive. You will feel. Your passions will be made complete by her, and your body will be enraptured with her. It will be as though she was made for you. And you will sing aloud, “At last, my love has come along.” You will feel eighteen again and will realize that no price is too high for even a glance at this love.

Like dining with the King of Kings, we spend our lives as beggars hoping for a scrap to fall from His table. This is our life. But when that day arrives, when we raise our voices high and sing At last! At last!…when we know and understand that a banquet has been prepared for us, when we hear a knock at the door of our heart….let us be ready, let us accept love’s invitation wherever we may find ourselves on this road of life, and enter and sup with the one that was made and refined, just for us. This is a reflection of God’s love. The one truest gift that we may encounter in our lifetime. Such love enables us to better understand who He is and to see Him in the world around us. If you ever hear such a knock on your door, do not hesitate to answer, lest it pass you by before you, in your timing, think you are ready. This might not be easy to do, but it is worth it….regardless of any outcome.

I have now seen such a love, walked its paths, and as a corpse rising from the dead I can never go back. I can never again scrounge for scraps or bits of sustenance from love’s table; for I have seen too much. The breath in my lungs, the beat of my heart can never be as they were; for my lungs have breathed in life and they glisten as gold, and my heart has beat to a siren’s song so seductive and fulfilling that nothing else will do. How can I now ever return to what once was…. No! Heaven forbid; it simply cannot be done.

And though I walk through the eternal abyss of night, each step a temporal agony; my soul can never again rejoice or be satisfied apart from her. For I am the lucky one, part of the blessed few, who after searching a field for gold to no avail eventually surrenders and succumbs to comfort, to second-best, to the safety of the status-quo; only to stumble over and fall prone before the grandest of jewels.

Then, when I am lacking, when my ineptitudes and short-comings obstruct my efforts, I will lie beside my jewel as long as I can, until the last rays of twilight pass and I am again cast into darkness. Though I may fail, I am blessed; for in that moment I received the most precious and painful gift that man can be given. I got a glimpse at love.

What more could one ask for?                              

sm + jm 12.10

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