Bill Hicks thoughts:
People ask me where I stood politically you know. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy. But that I believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth.
Yeah, I’m a little.. a little to the left there, I was. I was leaning that way.
Yeah you know who else is going, little Quayle boy. Little Damien.
Is that guy Damien? Tell me those blank empty eyes aren’t gonna glow red in the very near future.
[eyes roll back in head]
Stop making jokes about meee. Nrrr. I’ll spell potato any fucking way I want. Nrrrr.
Rioters in LA, let’s nuke them.
Bush was a pussy Nrr.
He held me back.
Frightening people man. Bush tried to buy votes towards the end of the election. Goes around, you know, selling weapons to everyone, getting that military industrial complex vote happening for him. Sold 160 fighter jets to Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait and then goes around making speeches why he should be Commander-in-Chief because, “We still live in a dangerous world.”
Thanks to you, you f***er!
What are you doing? Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks!
They’re arming the fucking world man. You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out:
“Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.”
How do you know that?
“Uh, well… We looked at the receipts Haar.”
“Ah but as soon as that cheque clears, we’re going in.”
“What time’s the bank open? 8? We’re going in at 9.”
“We’re going in for God and country and democracy and here’s a foetus and he’s a Hitler. Whatever you fucking need, let’s go. Get motivated behind this, let’s go!”
Ohoh looks like Mr. Major was on the hot seat there for a second too. Little Iraqgate, little rapscallion he is.
“Did we send, did I… did… I’ll have to check Maggie’s old calendar.”
What’s funny about this. Every one of your papers says that you guys sold Iraq “machine tools”… which Iraq then converted into military equipment. I have news for you folks, a cannon is a machine tool. Your Orwellian language notwithstanding, it’s a f***ing machine, it’s a tool.
Our papers in the States have the same thing. We sold Iraq “farming equipment” which Iraq then “converted”. How do they do this?
“Simsalabim simsalabim aa salabim sim sim sim salabim.”
Wow! It was a chicken coop, it’s now a nuclear reactor!”
“This war’s for Aladdin.” Farming equipment which they converted into military, okay, you got me I’m curious, exactly what kind of farming equipment is this?
“Oh okay, well it’s stuff for the farmers of Iraq.”
“Ooh okay, ar well ooh one of the things we gave them was for the little farmer, a new thing we came up with called er the er, flame-throwing rake.”
“No it was for the farmer, see. He would rake the leaves and then just turn around Boooo.”
“But you know what the Iraqis did with that?”
There’s no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you a$$hole?
“We could have done our research better perhaps yes.”
What else did you sell ’em?
“Okay er one of the other things we gave ’em was a new thing… for the farmer.”
“The, er, armored tractor.”
“No, see, farmers when they farm look over their shoulders at times and they won’t see a tree and they’ll hit it maybe and there’ll be a wasps nest in the tree and the wasps will come in and sting ’em.”
“So we put four inches of armor all over the tractor. And a turret to shoot pesticides on the wasps.”
“Yeah but you know what the Iraqis did with that?”
“Can’t trust ’em.”
I’m so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries then we go and blow the shit out of em. We’re like the bullies of the world, you know. We’re like Jack Palance in the movie Shane… Throwing the pistol at the sheep herder’s feet:
“Pick it up.”
“I don’t wanna pick it up mister, you’ll shoot me.”
“Pick up the gun”.
“Mister, I don’t want no trouble huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble mister.”
“Pick up the gun.”
“You all saw him. He had a gun.”
Kennedy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination because to me it’s a great example of, er, a totalitarian government’s ability to, you know, manage information and thus keep us in the dark any way they… Oh sorry wrong meeting… Ah $#!+. That’s the meeting we’re having tomorrow at the docks.
I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It’s a museum called… ‘The Assassination Museum’. I think they named that after the assassination. I can’t be too sure of the chronology here but… Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it’s really accurate, you know, cos Oswald’s not in it.
“Yeah, yeah so wow that’s cool.” Painstaking accuracy, you know. It’s true, it’s called the ‘Sniper’s Nest’. It’s glassed in, it’s got he boxes sitting there. You can’t actually get to the window as such but the reason they did that of course, they didn’t want thousands of American tourists getting there each year going
[Mimes looking out of window]
“No f***ing way!
I can’t even see the road.
$#!+ they’re lying to us.
Where are they?
There’s no f***ing way.
Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge. Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade… Surely someone would have seen that. You know there was rumors of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars… Someone overhead them saying ‘coup, coup’
Coo. Unbelievable. And you know what’s wild, people’s, er, attitudes in the States about it. Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me:
“Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go. It’s a long time ago – just forget about it.”
And I’m like alright, then don’t bring up Jesus to me. As long as we’re talking shelf life here.
“Bill, you know Jesus died for you.”
Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about it!
How about this. Get Pilate to release the f***ing files. Quit washing your hands Pilate – release the g*d-damned files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day?